Today is my birthday. In my calendar I have an all-day event scheduled called “The Most Important Day in this World” and it’s been that way for years now. Because it IS important, and I have to remind myself of it because devaluing and humbling myself is so everyotherday. 2/19 is my day to bathe in my swag and let these hoes know they my sons or something. Besides my birthday in 2013 I always feel myself on my day. a.k.a. I feel like myself.
This year is a little different. I’m displaced and 99% of my friends are elsewhere. I visited NY last week and I’m happy as hell I had that opportunity for obvious reasons as well as reasons I’ll get into later, but it was different and off-putting at times without Whitney and Uche there. I consider so many of the differences I felt blessings, but not that one. That one sucked. I miss those girls somethin crazy. Some people are your comfort zone.
There are hard truths I’m facing as I start another trip around the sun. They hurt but I ain’t never scared. “It’s never too late” is a lie once you reach a certain point in your life–that’s one of them. Nobody told me the delineation between “the world is mine” and “it’s impossible for me to have this now” would be so abrupt and no transition has hurt more profoundly. A huge part of my life is over and it was horrifying me. The sadness was palpable; so sad I couldn’t even take it sometimes. I never consciously realized the delineation while it was happening until I moved. Something about facing something horrifying and not letting it drown you, though…I won’t say it’s empowering quite yet but I’m impressed with my resilience. I’m sick of the lies we tell ourselves to get by–I just wanna get free in truth.
My face has changed. I’m not nearly old enough for wrinkles but my face damn sure rests different. I’m in my thirties and despite what people say, I think I look it now, at least in my eyes. I feel it in my body, too, especially in the morning. I have to be deliberate in how I expend my energy now or I burn out midday (and that’s physically and mentally). And there’s a saunter now where there was a young-ass bounce before. It’s kind of fascinating to me. I’m a grownnnnn woman.
The universe, man. I’m just letting it do what it do. Uche always says the universe works in perfect integrity and I’m beginning to believe it. There are some opportunities on the horizon but I’m not invested in how they work out. I just know I’ll be fine regardless; I finally have a plan again. I’m confident as hell about getting what I need out of whatever circumstances arise.
My advice to myself and others at this point: just do it. Apply for it. Go for it. Ask for it. What’s the worst that can happen–a “no”? A no won’t kill you. Trust me; I’m someone that’s been climbing out of noes for almost two years but I’m still here. So fuck that no. I’m a Black woman. We’ve been hearing no our whole lives and we still surviving and thriving, strengthened by bullshit barriers. Switch the beat up.
I’m grateful for those who love me, especially my kiddos. I’m magic, clearly, because my body made two gorgeous beings that ignite a flame in me like nothing else. My family loves me. My friends love me. I’m talented. I’m ambitious, goal-oriented. I’m intelligent, but better yet I never want to stop learning. I’m a pretty damn great-lookin broad with a lotta body. A little too much body, tbh, but we gon work on that. I’m an Aquarius-Pisces so I’m a G and I’m sensitive. My hair looks good as hell right about now. Tiddies sitting. I sure can talk a good game even when I feel like shit. I’m not bad at all. I’m 360°. Cake cake cake.